He will make a way

–

“God is with us, He is on our side, He will make away”

One of the things that has made life in my new city more enjoyable has been choosing a new church home.  A couple of weeks ago our church sang the song “God is Able” by the band (understatement of the century) Hillsong.

For several years now I have been constantly finding myself in situations where I was dependent on Him to make a way where it appears there is no way. Today was no different. While I have many responsibilities to juggle in my program, my research is by far the most important and where I am to spend the most time and effort (considered to be much more important than even academic performance itself). To this point I have been struggling to find the right mentor who would allow me to do the kind of research I wanted to do, what I felt led to do. The areas I am interested in are issues God has been replaying in my life, in my family’s life, in my friends’ life for many years. They are much more than interests, they are passions.

So when I realized I was in a situation where I might be forced to compromise just to be in someone’s lab and spend the rest of my time doing research that was indeed valuable, but far from where I am passionate, I felt incredibly discouraged. To the point that I even considered whether I should be here. I found myself unable to focus on my studies, losing interest in my career in general. Not good.

Today I had set up a meeting with someone who could potentially be a mentor of some kind. But I was under the impression that it was a long shot because they were not focusing on research. I met with them anyway. Prior to my meeting I was praying, trusting that if it was His will for this to work out, He would make a way.  I do not say that lightly, I wasn’t exactly feeling faithful when I prayed, desperate yes, hopeful no. But I had to take the chance and ask the questions to see if there might be a future here.

Prior to heading to the meeting, I put my head phones on, laid my head down on my desk table and listened to this song twice, hoping to take it with me mentally as my theme song.

And then…a miracle.  After trying to make it work in my previous situation, the new person I met with quickly had several ideas of how we could work together. She completely got my interests and knew of several patients I should talk to who fit the population I was most interested in. I don’t want to say too much as nothing in completely in stone, but based on the discussion, I went from feeling like I would never find the right fit for me, to having my entire grad school career laid out in front of me in the most perfect way I could imagine. No compromising, no settling. No striving. Laid out in such as way that could only be done by the One who goes before us. Of this I have no doubt.

Isn’t that just like God?  My heart right now is so full, so excited, so over joyed. I would say I can’t believe the turn of events, but I am reminded of so many times when He has done it before. For example, in the book of Esther, where the Jewish people knew their fate, they were doomed. They even knew the exact date of their destruction. When all seemed very lost, God came in and turned every single part of their story around.  Not just a little turn around, a complete 180. If He can do it for them, why wouldn’t He do it for us?

So to my friends who are facing their own battles right now, I am praying for your encouragement to keep stepping forward, even if you don’t know where the next step will lead. You don’t have to know, someone much wiser already sees the whole staircase. Remembering that “far above all we know, far above all we hope” He has, he can and he will continue to do great things.

Leaving you tonight with these lyrics. Hoping they bring you just as much (or more) encouragement as they gave me today.

“God is with us,

He will go before,

He will never leave us, He will never leave us,

God is for us, He has open arms,

He will never fail us, He will never fail us,

Lifted Up, He defeated the grave,

Raised to life, our God is able,

In His name, we overcome,

For the Lord, our God is able”

Faith, growth and overcoming human weakness

“You haven’t really trusted God until you’ve attempted something you could never do in your own power.” – Rick Warren

 

Over the past two months, I’ve been forced to face several “I don’t know how I am possibly going to do this” situations.  Well, that’s the clean version of what I call those situations, the real description is little bit more spicy ;).

I’m one of those people who enjoys a good challenge when I choose it, but get easily overwhelmed when challenges come without my permission (yes, I understand how that sounds, but it’s the truth).  Adjusting to my new lifestyle as a student, developing brand new relationships, getting used to a new city, it can all be a little too much at times.

But I’ve realized an upside to some of the madness.  In the past two weeks I’ve had no less than 5 of these situations. Where I either literally do not know what to do, or how to do it, or I wonder how I will overcome the mental, emotional and physical challenges they require. They started as they usually do, with intense panic, fear and hopelessness. Thankfully they continue with a pretty consistent pattern as well. Prayer, recognition of my human weakness, surrendering of control (probably my greatest spiritual challenge) and then continuing to move forward in faith. It has been in these moments that God has shown up in such powerful ways. Seemingly making the impossible (my impossible, not His) possible, slowing down time, proving the physical energy, mental stamina, and peace in chaos to be able to do exactly what I need to do. Each and every time.

Talk about a faith building experience. To see Him do it once is one thing, but to watch Him do it again, and again, and again in such a short period of time has helped me stop asking “how am I going to do this” and instead say “how would You like to approach this?”

Even though I have grown a lot over the past 5 years or so, in my core there is still a belief that I am weak, timid, shy and insecure. Those beliefs are certainly less rigid when I’m doing well, am well rested and running high on faith, but when vulnerable, my initial tendency is to run right back to them.

Thankfully, my faith in God has grown at least a step stronger than my negative beliefs about myself.  Even if my self-beliefs were true and I was all those things, the bottom line is, God is greater than any insecurity I have had, do have or will have in the future. Being able to rest in that understanding has taken the scared little girl to a new level of living. Risking, embracing, and cherishing each day, no matter what my schedule holds. I have no doubt that I’m in the proving ground phase, in preparation for the next bigger challenge. But in this moment, I am not anxious, not worried, not overwhelmed. Just thankful that God is faithful, even when I am not.

Waiting to be perfect

I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection.  Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business. – Michael J. Fox

So, I’m supposed to be working on a presentation, but I’m feeling the energy to write, so write I will do. There’s an issue that has been hitting me in the face over and over again for the past, well… for my entire existence.  It’s the notion of waiting to be perfect, or to perfect something, before moving forward with it. For example:

When I’m perfect I will:

• Approach that guy I really like (when my hair is done, my skin clears up, I lose those 5 pounds from Christmas, I have all my stuff together)
• Publish any type of work,  be it poetry, music, books, journal articles, artwork or maybe even … a blog? (when my grammar is perfect, the tone is right, the context is clear and not offensive to anyone…is that even possible?)
• I’ll get in shape (when I get new shoes, have the perfect “cute” workout clothes, save up enough money for a gym membership, find time in my schedule, overcome a fear of exercising in public)
• I’ll pursue my dream (when my house is paid off (if I had one), when all finances are secure, when I have all my friends support, when it all makes sense)
• I’ll approach God (when my heart is pure, I’ve stopped sinning)

I’ve bought into all of these. For instance, I began writing this blog about the problems with perfectionism six months ago after a conversation with a friend, but have delayed publishing it until I found the right time to write it in the right way.  :Sigh: all I can do is shake my head, have grace for myself and move forward.

Unfortunately,  it has taken me a long time to realize the simple truth of what happens when we wait until we’re perfect.  Nothing. We, or more specifically, I do a whole lot of nothing.

What I am learning is that the wait for perfection is not only unnecessary, its harmful. Harmful to that guy (or gal) who really might enjoy your company (and vice versa), harmful to anyone who might benefit from your writing (whatever kind it may be and whatever purpose it is meant to serve), harmful to your body, harmful to anyone that you could touch on the way to pursuing your dream (not just fulfilling it) and harmful to our relationship with our Creator who is sitting there, arms wide open, saying “come to me, just as you are”. Sometimes I wonder if He looks at us when we are trying to make ourselves “right” and says, “seriously, you’re going to be an even bigger mess tomorrow, so why not just come to me today?”

I wonder if one reason we wait is because we think it only matters to us, therefore no one else really cares.  Perhaps realizing we are harming ourself and others will help us take the next step out of the boat, out the door,  or to our knees.

What a difference a year makes

 

Greetings, or perhaps I should say hi y’all!  It’s been a year since I last posted on this blog and a lot has changed.  In fact my entire world looks different now.  When I last wrote I was about to start the preparatory process for applying to PhD programs, essentially getting through the mental turmoil of “do I really want to go through that again”.  Thankfully, the answer was yes.  If you know anyone in academia you will know it is not a stretch to say one must be at least a slight bit masochistic to choose this path. But a masochist I am, so we are a good fit.   Since that time I went on to apply, interview and get into a program!  It was an incredibly grueling year full of many mental, physical and spiritual challenges, but all I can say is God is good!

This past year has taught me a lot about myself, about others (and how I relate to others) and about my walk with God. The main issue I keep butting into is control, my desire to control my own path, and my response to having it taken away (a little foreshadowing, my response is typically pretty ugly). Coping with uncertainty has been my latest demon, but that too can be tied back to control. So essentially every struggle in life seems to have some connection to control, control, control and it appears God is walking me step by step through each one so I can acknowledge it, having Him address it and learn from it. Over the coming weeks I hope to share some of the things I’ve experience. Hope they are useful to you in your own journey.

I’m also hoping to change up the format a little bit so I’ll be posting about some of the fun experiences on this journey too.  I hope you don’t mind the change. Now that I’m in this new world, new lifestyle, new state, new…everything, I have so many new discoveries to share. Hopefully that will help me write more often as some of the deeper entries on here can be intimidating to write (hence the one year delay).

Many topics in the works, but I promise (and you can hold me accountable), it will not be another year til you hear from me again. Until then, thank you for your encouragement and support.  Many of you have seen me at my highest of highs and lowest of lows (more the latter than the former). I couldn’t have done it without you.

One side effect of actually getting into a PhD program is that you have to do homework 🙂 On that note, I’m off work on my anxiety disorder presentation. Wish me luck!

Embracing the Process

Art by Michele Jacoby: http://www.etsy.com/shop/MicheleJacoby?ref=em

A couple of months ago I visited my friend Michele Jacoby’s booth at a local art show. As I was perusing her latest pieces I stopped at one. It was the colors that drew me  in (I love earth tones), but when I read the words that were inscribed I immediately felt resistance within my soul. “Embrace the Process”. The words practically jumped off the page. My initial reaction was to pretend I hadn’t noticed and just keep flipping through the other pieces of art Michele had created. Needless to say, that attempt was highly unsuccessful.

This past year has been all about the process. The process of applying to grad school, of growing in relationships, of learning to risk my heart. When I read the words “embrace the process” my first thought was, why would I ever want to do that? If I’m embracing the process, that would mean the process isn’t over. And at that point in time all I wanted was for it to be over. To have the thing, the goal, or the person that I wanted in my life. To be done. To know that the work, the pain, the blood, sweat and many tears had been worth it because the goal was right there in front of me. Mission accomplished.

Despite the internal resistance I bought the piece anyway. Months later I’m beginning to accept the truth behind it as well. There really is no end to the processes in our lives. If the goal is finding a partner, just because you find one doesn’t mean its mission accomplished. The process evolves into growing that relationship, allowing your individual lives in merge and persevering through the challenges. If the goal is getting into school or getting a new job, the mission certainly doesn’t end at the acceptance letter. That’s merely the beginning. Now you have to figure out how to do the thing you were accepted to do.

I’m a big fan of the television show “So You Think You Can Dance”. The show provides such a great outlet for dancers that many try out several years in a row before they actually make it on the show. Back during the Season 6 auditions I recall hearing Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe tell a contestant that he feared she was so focused on the outcome (getting on the show) that she was keeping herself from growing and learning from the process. And that would ultimately keep her from becoming a better dancer. Or as someone else put it, “sometimes we’re so focused on the steps that we forget to dance.”

Nigel’s words caught me off guard, probably because I was at risk of doing the same thing. As I begin to start the application process again I’ve been thinking about how I want to do things differently. One goal is to find the balance between giving it everything I’ve got, holding nothing back, but also not building up the presence or absence of an acceptance letter as the factor determining my happiness, success or worth. I want to embrace the process, soak up everything I can from the people I talk to, from what I learn while rewriting my personal statement, from the various researchers I encounter on my search, regardless of whether they become my future mentor.

I wonder if the resistance to Michele’s piece was partially due to the contrast between the beautiful, peaceful quality of the art, and my volatile reaction to the words. At that point in time, embracing the process felt more like braving the fierce winds of Lake Michigan during a storm, than a calm, fall day. But now I see that it doesn’t need to be that way. As I learn to embrace all that I’m trying to do now, I’m starting to see the special nuances that you pick up along the way. A great conversation that reveals pieces of information you needed to hear, learning your friends are enduring similar circumstances, just with different goals, and understanding that this process is all in God’s hands anyway.

When mid April 2012 arrives and I know the ultimate outcome of the applications, I don’t want to look back and feel that I’ve missed out on any of the valuable lessons or experiences along the way, all because I allowed the goal to become my god. Instead I hope I can seek Him daily, savor the experiences He brings along each day, complete the tasks laid before me, and trust that no matter how weary or tired I am (and I am very tired), He will still get me to where He wants me to be.

It hasn’t been easy to keep this focus, I struggle daily, especially when I see the clock clicking down and feel that time is running out.  Still, I’m thankful that I have a better understanding of who is ultimately in control of this journey. It sure isn’t me. When I’m able to let go and accept this truth, there is tremendous peace.

I suppose what I’ve learned through all this is that while it can be hard to recognize, the process itself can be a thing of beauty, its own work of art. Praying that you will be able to embrace the processes in your own lives and find peace along the way.

Adding an hour to your life/The place where time stood still

I am apparently sitting in the land where time stands still.  My IPhone has lost an hour (even though we are still in the Eastern time zone) and now has no service.  No service, no problem.

I’m standing in the place where my heart always longs to be.  I’m standing in Lake Michigan.  The big lake that thinks it is a little ocean.

Hello there lake, its good to see you again!

There are a few things that make me feel like I’ve actually added time to, rather than subtracting from my lifespan.

Being surrounded by Lake Michigan, its beauty, its sand, its seagulls and the sound of its plentiful waters crashing around meu, is one of them. 

Today I savored the gorgeous day and the pure joy of dodging waves. As my jeans can attest, I sometimes missed.

The other activity is listening to the music of Lifehouse. Thanks to a friend I unexpectedly got to do that on this vacation as well. Monday I attended my second Lifehouse concert and again my soul was healed.

A perfect beginning and a perfect ending to a vacation I needed so badly.

Last night the tears came again.  The ones that I haven’t seen in over a month.  Before bed I realized its time to go back in the water.  I have a task to do that scares me.  I fear it will end in disappointment.  And I don’t know if I’m ready to go there again.  But now is the time.  I’m rested and its time to once again face my fears.

Last year I felt every action step I took was done with trembling hand and a shaky spirit, kind of like slowly easing yourself into the water in case it’s too cold.  It’s exhausting to live that way and I did it for a year.  This time I’m pledging to go all in. I will give it all of me, every last ounce, even if it kills me.

I can’t deny that I’m afraid. I am. I’ve been here before and came up empty. That hardly inspires a desire to go through it again. But perhaps this time will be different, better, than the last. I won’t know unless I try. And try I will.

But first, maybe just one more dip in the water :).

Provision and Thankfulness

So often we dwell on the things that seem impossible rather than on the things that are possible. So often we are depressed by what remains to be done and forget to be thankful for all that has been done.” – Marian Wright Edelman

Perspective is a funny and fragile thing.  Normally I’m able to view life’s ups and downs through a healthy and balance mindset.  Sometimes I falter.

It’s been an emotionally crushing Spring and Summer. After much physical and mental energy was exerted, many big dreams were crushed.  The process to get there was long and draining and it seemed, at least at the time, that all that energy was expended with no results to show for it.  As much as I’ve tried to keep perspective throughout, I eventually reached a place where it seemed there was nothing good  and nothing would ever work out.  It was one of those places where cognitively I knew things weren’t as terrible as they seemed, but I just couldn’t feel anything good anymore.

Perhaps you can relate? If so,  I’m sure you’ll agree this is not a pleasurable way to experience the world. And its not an outlook one can maintain for long before entering into a total and utter collapse.

Driving home one day I was reminded of several things that had worked out in the past. Dreams that had been fulfilled, unexpected experiences that brought much joy, memories that I’ll never forget.   The more I thought about them the more things came to mind.  I went home, pulled out my journal and started to make a list of all of the things I am grateful for. Five pages worth.  Some were big, some were little.  But still, it’s rather difficult to be depressed after writing five pages of gratitude.

So I thought I’d share a number of them with you and I’d love to hear yours too.

Things that I am thankful for:

1. That there is a creator of the universe who is much wiser and capable then I am.
2. That I have a relationship with Him.
3. Wonderful parents who support me in everything that I do.
4. Dogs.
5. My little Sarahpuppy.  The fact that she somehow always knew what I needed, was never intrusive and was the sweetest little friend.  I miss her.
6. Real friends that I can bear my soul to, philosophize with, be completely honest with, cheer on and celebrate, be real, be myself with.
7. A great job, an amazing boss and plenty of flexibility.
8. The Plymouth Coffee Bean.
9. The grace of Jesus Christ, even when I resist Him.
10. Indian food, medium spice please.
11. Dark chocolate, ginger, cinnamon, cilantro, basil and good cup of coffee (instant coffee does not qualify).
12. Anytime my dad and I sneak away for coffee. Those are cherished moments.
13. Lake Michigan. Capable of being tranquil and peaceful one moment and volatile and turbulent the next.  Kind of like me.
14. So You Think You Can Dance and any dance choreagraphed by Travis Wall
15. Linkin Park, Lifehouse, OneRepublic, Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman. Music that reaches to the deepest part of me at just the right time.
16. Creative people who put themselves out there. On that note, anyone who takes risks and lets me watch them do so.
17. Breakfast, especially when eaten for dinner!
18. Road trips, even if its just across town for ice cream.
19. The opportunity to drive up the Pacific Coast Highway two years in a row
20. My siblings and in laws
21. Four beautiful nieces and nephews who remind me of what is right with the world.
22. Freedom of expression
23. Discovering new restaurants and having people to discover new restaurants with.
24. Discovering people who like the same food, music, movies, and books that I do.
25. Atlanta.  My first experience seeing the city lights coming down I-75 at the age of 13. The fact that at that very moment I knew I would one day live there and that I actually did live there.
26. Dogs
27. The way Sarah looked like Mighty Dog when she jumped onto my bed and the way she laid her head on my head to wake me up.  Priceless.
28. My best friend.  That I know there is at least one person who loves me just the way I am.
29. When people tell you how they really feel and how they really feel about you.
30. Every person who has helped me or encouraged me with grad school.
31. Answered prayers
32. Traverse City, my local slice of heaven on earth.
33. Grace and Peace
34. Beth Moore
35. Cyclists, their dedication, tenascity and attitude.
36. The opportunity to go to the Tour de Georgia and stand on the stage at the finish line
37. Not getting a parking ticket when I probably should have
38. The sunny wheat muffin at Sweetwaters.
39. The Nutella Banana Crepe at Café Zola
40. Adventurous friends
41. Google – the ability to find any piece of information whenever I want it.
42. Spice in food and in life
43. Matt Damon, Chris Cooper, Harrison Ford, James McAvoy
44. Thought provoking questions
45. A good challenge or risk.
46. Puppies
47. Lady and the Tramp and Seabiscuit
48. God’s timely provision
49. Being okay with not being in control
50. Love, mercy, forgiveness and healing
51. Being able to go to PanCAN advocacy days in Washington DC three times
52. Being connected to the pancreatic cancer community across the nation
53. The Detroit affiliate of the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network
54. Trader Joe’s, its people and its food
55. Finding out I really can run (even though I still don’t like it)
56. Learning to push and respect myself at the same time.
57. Breaking through my dumb excuses.
58. Being okay with not being perfect
59. Massages
60. Dimly lit, relaxing rooms
61. Healed time (more on that later)
62. Pandora radio
63. Knowing what I like and what I don’t, and being able to say it
64. Friends who say things like “that is so you” or “I saw this and thought of you” – It’s nice to know that I am “known”.
65. Dogs

Yeah, I’d say I’m doing alright

So, what about you? What are you thankful for?

 

And if I perish…

“When we were children we’d play

Out in the streets just dipped in fate

When we were children we’d say

That we don’t know the meaning of fear.”

“Fear” – OneRepublic

We live in a world with a failing economy, natural disasters around every corner, war and terrorism. There’s a shortage of many things: jobs, safety, peace of mind, humanity and for that matter, sanity.  One thing we’re not short on is fear.

Many of you are aware of the battle I faced while preparing for the Graduate Record Exam (GRE), the mandatory standardized test required for entrance into most graduate programs across the country. It was the first of many internal battles I faced in my efforts to become a clinical psychologist.

I had been preparing for the GRE for five years. That’s right, my Princeton Review preparation book is from 2004-2005 and I successfully took the exam in 2010. What the heck took me so long? Namely, fear.

I don’t mean a little nervousness or anxiety. I mean a throat gripping “I can’t do this, how am I going to make it through” kind of fear. Now, at this point, you are probably thinking, sheesh, she’s making a big fuss over one little test, right? Looking back, yes, I definitely did make more of this nasty little bugger than was necessary, but let me dive into the reasons behind the fear to help you better understand where it came from.

1.  For many the GRE is just a test you get through in order to be admitted, but for my programs it was a pretty big deal. Considering these programs accept less than 3% of all of their applicants (around 6-10 students total out of 300 or so applications), the GRE can be used to quickly weed out any students that don’t seem to measure up. So a low, or even mediocre score can spell big trouble.

2. It contains content that is rather irrelevant to daily life.  Sorry Pythagoras, I don’t really care about your theorem. And while I enjoyed increasing my vocabulary, the verbal section is not a good reflection of my potential as a psychologist.

3.  I have standardized test anxiety.  Not general test anxiety. I rather enjoy preparing for regular exams (yes, somewhat nerdlike) and am very calm and focused on test day. But this is a different kind of test.  It is intentionally designed to not allow enough time to finish all of the questions.  It is computer adapted, meaning the questions you receive are based on how well you do on previous questions. So if you blow the first few you are destined to receive a lower score, even if you could have answered the later, more difficult questions. Finally, a little clock in the top right corner is ticking away reminding you that essentially, from the very beginning, you are running out of time.  Sounds like fun, eh?

And there was something else.  At the end, you have the option to reject your scores before you see them.  In other words, after completing 2 1/2 hours of test taking hell, you have the option to walk away without ever knowing how you did.

And that’s exactly what happened the first time around. When I took the exam in 2009 I was so focused on getting the right answers that I spent too much time on the first questions and realized with ten minutes to go I had no chance to receiving a redeeming score.  Hitting the “reject” button I felt so shameful and it essentially delayed my applications for one whole year.

One year later, I was back going full steam ahead with my applications.  At this same time  my small group was reading the Beth Moore study of Esther. It could not have been more perfect timing.

If you’re not familiar, Esther was a young Jewish girl who was selected to be queen of Persia, all the while hiding her heritage. She was an orphan and had been raised by her cousin Mordecai.  After becoming Queen, Mordecai refused to bow down to the king’s pompous Prime Minister, Haman, or to anyone but God. This evoked Haman ‘s rage.  He convinced King Xerxes (Esther’s husband) to execute an order to “Destroy, Kill, and Annihilate” all Jews in the empire. Mordecai, in great distress, tries to get a message to Esther who was isolated away with the rest of the harem and unaware of the Jews’ fate, including her own. He urged her to “go to the king and beg for mercy and plead for her people” (Esther 4:8).

Esther is beyond anxious. Being the Persian queen did not come with the benefits or rites that Dutchess Catherine of Cambridge will receive. Bear in mind King Xerxes’ last queen, Vashti,  was deposed simply because she refused to be paraded around a party for her husband’s drunken friends.

Esther replied that the king’s law states any man or woman who approaches the king without being summoned will be put to death. And the king had not summoned her for a month (Esther 4:11).

Mordecai, undeterred, responded, “Don’t think for a moment that you will escape there in the palace when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. What’s more, who can say but that you have been elevated to the palace for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:13- 14)

What a powerful message. First of all, Esther, you have no choice. If you don’t do this you and your people will surely die.  And second, open your eyes. This may be the very reason you have been made queen. For such a time as this. In other words, perhaps this is your destiny.

No one knows how long it took her to respond, but when she did she instructed Mordecai to have all the Jews fast for her for three days and she would do the same. “And then, though it is against the law, I will go to see the king. And if I perish, I perish.” (Esther, 4:16)

These words have provided me such strength over the past year. Just think about the power behind staring your greatest fear in the eye (in this scenario, the chance of almost certain death) and moving forward with the understanding that I am going to do what I have to do.  And If I must die, I am willing to die.

I’ll be perfectly honest with you. Death is not my greatest fear. Not even close. Humiliation, perhaps? Failure, especially failure in front of others, that’s another one. And if I take it even further I might say it is finding out, or being told, that I’m not good enough. That scares me. These are the things that held way more terror over me than the potential loss of my own life. Maybe that sounds odd, but I’m willing to bet this may resonate with at least some of you as well.

The GRE was the beginning of a perfect storm. The test itself is an unpleasant, grueling process that could have been a major barrier to my desired career path that I wanted so badly. Once the scores are revealed they are immediately available to your schools, there’s no hiding them, even if you took it again. So, if you hit accept, both you and the people you hope will accept you immediately know whether you have succeeded, or failed.

And it offered another nasty obstacle. To decide if after everything you’ve done, five years of studying, hours of mental preparation, and the exhaustion of all stress coping skills, you will walk away, not knowing whether or not you would have succeeded.

So what did I do? I’d like to tell you that Esther so empowered me that the night before the test I was confident and calm. That didn’t happen.  Here’s what did.  As I reviewed my notes for the last time and then put them away, my heart raced and the fear came again. What if after all this, I can’t follow through? And if I do, what if I blow it and put a terrible mark on my application. What then?

There were many, many tears that night. I can tell you I felt like I was walking towards an impending mental death (Yes, I’m dramatic, but I was fairly certain I wouldn’t physically die).

And then I thought of Esther. I knew my friends were praying, I knew this is what I needed to do and I knew that if I perished (failed), that God would have my back. At 10:30 pm I did a little Google search to see what others had said about Esther 4:16. I stumbled across a blog that took everything to another level.  I highly encourage you to read it if you’re needing a little inspiration: http://wdfavour.com/if-i-perish-i-perish.

That morning I woke up calm, oddly confident, drank my coffee, watched Sports Center and headed to the test center.  I sat with purpose while waiting to enter the room. And during the test I remained focused. Yes, there were times when my overly analytical mind took off into the stratosphere, but I came back, recentered and finished the test answering nearly every question. Then the question appeared on the screen, “do you wish to accept your scores?”

I paused for about five seconds, and knowing there was no turning back, I hit yes to see the results. While I was slightly off my goal, I had still done better than expected. I did not perish. I walked out, smiled and wished the monitor a nice day, and went off to celebrate with Melanie. That evening this very blog was born.

There is so much more to this story.  If it were really all about one standardized test, it perhaps wouldn’t be as meaningful.  But it was about more than that. Just last week in a  heart wrenching situation, the lessons I learned preparing for this test help me conquer an even more important one. But I’m headed towards 2000 words so I’ll leave you with this for now.  We were not created to live in fear. It is fear that keeps us from living the lives we were designed to live.  In the blog post I mentioned above, the author refers to us as eagles who were made to fly.  He also mentions that it is fear that turns mighty eagles into chickens, never letting our feet leave the ground. Tonight I pray you will examine the greatest fears that are keeping you from pursuing your dreams. What keeps you a wall flower when you’re secretly wishing to dance? In your own life, what does “If I perish” mean to you?